Charity work = Friends (and dates)?

I had a rather interesting conversation with Steven, a friend of mine today. It was all about the difficulty of making friends (or at least anything more than a one-night stand). After years of quasi marriage, my social circle is virtually non existant, as my ex and I usually stayed in a lot rather than socialise with many people.
Steven, on the other hand is one of those amazing people that seem to have a rather large and varied circle of friends. I always wondered how he manages to know so many (and so varied) people. Especially in a city like London where and it is much easier to have sex than to make friends.
Anyway, he revealed his secret to me, and it was actually pretty simple (as all good solutions are?): “Volunteering for charities!”…
Come to think about it, it makes a lot of sense. For example, he delivers meals for the Food Chain, a charity that cooks meals for people with HIV. In short, this means that every couple of weeks, he spends two hours with another person in a car delivering these meals. If he likes the person, they can go for a drink after, exchange phone numbers or whatever – or if it doesn’t click, then at least it wasn’t a wasted date/day. He doesn’t only volunteer for that one charity, but rather has a selection of three or four different ones to choose from, which explains why when he has a party there are always a lot of different (and usually very nice) people – all of whom seem to get along great, which is quite amazing really.
Anyway, I am most certainly intrigued by his solution to the friends problem – and I am now wondering which charity I should sign up for. Of course, not only to make new friends – but I think a few new friends would certainly help!

Photo by George House Trust.

Lingering Ex

There is something strange about my ex. While three weeks ago I was still very much at a point where I would have returned given a hint, I thoroughly feel now that I have moved on. However, in a strange way, my ex seems to linger – and even look for situations which must be strangely unpleasant for him.
I have seen him a lot recently. But not, as you might expect in a situation which is private (like going to a bar and having a drink together), but rather he tends to phone up and ask if he can join me going out or being with friends. This might, of course, include me talking, flirting or in at least one instance kissing another guy right infront of him. Yet, somehow he seems not to mind – or at least will call back soon after and ask if he can come along again.
While very much in the beginning I was really hoping for a sign from him that maybe he would be jealous, I am now over that point and take him very much as just another person being in the same place with me.
Of course, I wonder: it make me a “bad” person flirting right in front of him? Am I playing with his feelings? Or is he so cool and has equally moved on.
Really – what is going on in his head?!

How to approach Mr or Ms Right?

One of the biggest problems when out and about for me is not the lack of potential Mr Rights. In a city like London I come across literally hundreds of pople who seem nice every day – and even if only a fraction of them would be gay and interested in me, I would probably have more dates than I could ever imagine. But, and I guess I am not alone in this, the crucial point is that it is the first step that seems the hardest for me. Just being confident enough and starting to speak to total strangers and making a first connection where there is obviously no need to speak to them feels more embarrassing than telling my mother I have an STI.

I really admire people who have mastered this art form. Of course, if I am honest, then I think I am quite good at it as well – as long as I am truly not attracted to the other person. For example, if I meet a woman somewhere I have little trouble in talking to her. OK, if it is the first encounter, and if there is obviously no need to talk, then yes I do still find it strange to make the first step – but it is not something really terrible. Maybe typical of many gay men, this has resulted in a wide circle of really nice female friends,… yet, given the chance of speaking to the nicest guy in the universe, I will try and get out of there as fast as I can (and I will run out of conversation topics in two milliseconds!).

Recently, I have started to read the adventures of a fellow Londoner single guy(though he is not playing for “my” team ). And it is quite amazing just how much I find myself in again in his stories. He has started to be quite professional in his approach (with a traget number of women to speak to), and an amazing stamina when it comes to speaking to them – yet it makes some interesting reading when thinking about just how much the first few seconds terrorise men, gay or straight – and judging by his comments – women alike.

Going out- with the ex…

Ex-boyfriends are a funny species. Especially when they are fairly newly ex. While I am comfortable to go out with exs from a long time ago, I really get, in a funny way quite uncomfortable about meeting my immediate ex. It might be because I still have some secret feelings for him, or because I’m just not comfortable to openly flirt with other people while he is around.
This weekend, I met my ex for some drinks, and exactly that happened. We went to a club, and I got talking to someone who was absolutely the most handsome guy around. It turned out, we also had a lot of common interests, which made it really enjoyable.
The problem: How to proceed with the ex standing next to you? I had the choice, obviously, to either ignore my ex and just carry on with the new guy – or not going full steam ahead with the new guy.
In the end I chose the latter – and decided to leave fairly early with my ex, and no one else. And although I think it could have been really nice to go further with the new guy, somehow I feel that I am just not ready to jump as yet, or maybe it just wasn’t the right day – but somehow it was strange to make that choice. Especially, as I know that if my ex would not have been there, I know I would have had a lot more fun that night.

Photo by globalNix.

How long is single for too long?

Ever since I parted ways with my ex, I have actually quite enjoyed being single. Enjoying all the things I have never done while being in a relationship: I’m not talking about the things I couldn’t speak to my mother about, but I suddenly started to thoroughly enjoy having strange meals at 3 at night, leaving home at 10 to go for a drink, …you get the picture. But today one of my friends made a throw away remark about being single for too long – and maybe no longer relationship material.

Of course, I am not at a stage yet that I am truly panicking that I may be more comfortable with my own company than anybody else’s, nor do I think that I am not relationship material. But I have to admit, that I am starting to rather enjoy being alone quite a bit more than I originally thought.
Sure, before this split – after a rather long 8 years – I was something of a serial monogamist. At stages very serial, but definitely never without a significant other for more than two weeks or so. Now I am alone for two months, and that, at least for me is a remarkable record.
Does it feel strange? Well not really, in fact it feels better every day at the moment. And then who said I have to live with someone, spend my evenings with them and (lets be honest) enjoy great sex for the first few weeks, and pretty much nothing all the time after that. Maybe I should just simply sit back, and enjoy the feeling of ultimate freedom, of living alone and doing nothing else than what I really want to do. But then again, maybe on occasion, I just like to think that I can share this with someone. Even the strange foods I now ritually eat at night…

Photo by John and Leanne.

Being outside…

I know this blog is supposed to be about London – but then sometimes, being out of London can be part of being in London. In fact, I would say just by being outside at times and returning to the bustling streets of London can we really appreciate how great London is.

I spent last weekend with friends in Bournemouth, a charming city on the south coast of England. And while I totally enjoyed being away from London I couldn’t help but feel a great sense of relieve when I finally stepped back off the train in Waterloo.

While Bournemouth has all the charm of a small English town, a few gay bars (where everyone knows your name), and even, I have been told, a gay beach – it is still light years behind the freedom and choice we have as people (of any description) living in London. And while the tree lined streets, small high street and long beaches were lovely for a day, they simply can’t measure up with the freedom we have to do whatever we like here in the capital. Of course, I am not saying that I will never return, actually, I think it is lovely for a day – but I can say just how much I appreciate being back. And knowing that no matter what I think, I can now leave my computer and go to dozens of different bars, party the night away and make the choices I really want to make. And that is worth a lot more to me than the trees – and even than the lovely sandy beach.

Photoby Paula Bird Parent.

Out Alone – in a room full of men

I went out this last week. A lot. In fact, probably more than anytime during the last year. But to be honest,… going out isn’t as easy as I thought it would be. Not because it isn’t fun going out (it is!), but actually because it seems strange: going out on my own makes me feel like I am the only single in the whole place. This is especially strange as I do remember from going out while being with my ex, that any gay place, no matter how trendy and cool was: Watch out for the single guys, ready for making a move.

But now it seems, I go to any place and I am the only one who is on the prowl. And I don’t mean I necessarily want to get laid there and then. A nice chat would do just as nicely – and no, I am not looking for Mr Perfect to have a conversation with. Of course, I know that I am not alone: My friend Andreas, a veritable master of statistical data, assures me that no other group is as crap at relationships as gay men are. Yet, at least for me, it seems like I am also crap at getting to know the other single people out there. Strangely enough, they seem to vanish as soon as I enter the room as a single (maybe there’s a message here?). And if there are some, then I can assure you they are out with their friends – and thus difficult to approach, if they want to be approached at all. So, for me self-doubt is creeping in – and that makes me rationalise everything that really I am totally happy being there alone. But truly, deeply, actually,… well, I am sure you know the game.
This then leads to another solution: Go where everyone is single, or at least out on the prowl. Nice idea again, but is it really a veritable solution? I tried it out by going to Fitlads, not because I consider myself as a veritable chav, but rather because it seemed like a fun place. I was wrong. It really is a club full of cruising boys with a large dark room attached. Nothing wrong with that, as I don’t want to become over-moralising or anything like that. But seriously: to me it seemed like human relations were no longer fashionable – unless they involved the exchange of bodily fluids in a dark corner. I realise I now sound like a middle aged, grumpy, old queen (yeah, life was better when I was young!), but to be honest I never felt so alone in a room full of people.

So, after an hour in the place I left – and decided to wonder the empty streets of London in search of a nightbus to get home. Not sad of course, but comfortably reassured that, actually, I really like being with myself. Well, at least sort of.

Photo: Midnight Cowboy by isaiahlt.